Franglais

The accidental faux-pas of learning a language.

Anyone who has learned a language knows how hard it can be to master. Sometimes, despite your best efforts and thinking that you have done a good job, the quizzical looks that peer back at you, along with the furrowed brow, are instant signs that you have probably stuffed up.

What’s that word?

My early days in France were no exception. Oh boy did I have some doozies, some of which I am totally embarrassed about. However, I will let you in on a couple of them just to show that, despite the embarrassment of it all, that you can recover, people do not hold grudges, and you WILL master the horrific homonyms (words that sound the same but have different meanings) that all languages have. 

The early days

I really feel for my first two host families that had me in the early days of my youth exchange. Particularly my host mums. They probably faced the worst of it as I trudged my way through the deep, dark depths that is French grammar, conjugations, the masculine and feminine, the subjunctive and everything else they throw in to make this a nigh-impossible language to master.

So here we go…. no judgement please!

Cutting my Hair

‘Could you please cut my hair?’ That’s what I thought I asked my host mum one afternoon. I was quite sure of it. But instantly, the tilt of her head and her scrunched up face told me that I may not have got it quite right.

So I said it again, this time with actions (always helps) of me holding my hair in one hand, and making the motion of scissors with the other. ‘Tu-peux couper mes chevaux (she-vorr)?’ 

So after saying this and doing the cutting motion a few times, my host mum starting laughing like there was no tomorrow. I immediately started thinking …’What the heck have I just said?’

A horse? What the?

Once she had stopped laughing she kindly told me… eh hem…

Could you please cut my horse? That is what I said! I’d asked her if she could cut my horse, not could she please cut my hair.

So, what does this mean?

What I should have said was: ‘Tu peux couper mes cheveux?’ (she-vergh)

What I actually said was: ‘Tu-peux couper mes chevaux (she-vorr)?’ 

Horse (Chevaux) instead of hair (Cheveux).

SERIOUSLY?

I mean, I give myself credit that I thought I got it right, even doing the hand motions. As it turns out, one tiny little vowel stood between the truth and hilarity.

Bloody French!

Making a cake

Another quite large mis-hap was when I was with the same host mum and we were making a cake one afternoon.

… Let me just begin by saying that I realised early on, that even though I had learned French for 4 years at school, I did not know the words for knife, fork and spoon when I arrived in France. I have no idea how this happened given the volume of strange words and sentences you are forced to learn from text books that I swear were written in the 1846, and would never be used on any holiday – ever! ….

So I use this as my excuse as to why I did not know the right word to say here.

Back to the story

I have NO IDEA how this happened, but after mixing the cake batter till it was supremely smooth and looked delicious,  I asked my mum if I could lick the spoon. Well… that’s what I thought I had asked.   

Apparently not.

What’s the word for spoon again?

Instead of saying ‘Je puis lecher la cuillere?’ I said…. Je Puis lecher ta sein?’.

Well if I thought the reaction from the horse/hair comment was a shock, then this one was 50 times more intense.

My host mum stepped back with the most horrified look on her face. And I thought – oh bugger, what the heck have I said? 

So there I was, standing with the chocolate covered spoon in my hand….motionless, eyes wide open and my host mum looking at me totally horrified.

Because repeating things will make it better

So I said it again, holding up the spoon and doing the whole lick the spoon motion (NOT my finest moment).

Finally she took the biggest breath, her shoulders relaxed from relief, and a little smile came across her face. She took a while to answer me and eventually said ‘Yes Paula, you can lick the spoon’.

It took some time to get up the courage to ask her what I had said given her reaction. To my ABSOLUTE horror, I had apparently asked her if I could lick her breast instead of licking the spoon!  

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

I was absolutely mortified, but she had gotten over the shock and thought it was (now) quite hilarious. I must have said sorry over and over again for weeks after that. To this day I do not know how I came out with that word. It still befuddles me, and always will.

Aaaah, Les Bises

Now this one, I can’t even begin to think how I had not picked this up after being there for a while, but here we go.

I was at my third host family (about May) and they were having a cocktail party. My host Dad had always been fantastic at teaching me about all things French, including how to prepare the wine for a dinner, cocktail party etc.

It was not long before their guests were arriving and the family were preparing some last minute details. I turned to my host dad and asked him whether I should be doing ‘Les Bises’ (leh-beeze) with their friends.

What is Les Bises?

Les Bises is when you greet people you know with a kiss on each cheek. It’s an informal gesture, done with people you know well. You would never do this with a stranger, or (for me) to the older generation without having been formally introduced.

But that’s not quite what I said!

So in asking my host Dad if it would be appropriate for me to give Les Bises, I thought it would be a simple yes or no answer.

However, me being me, these faux-pas always seem to come out at the most inappropriate moments. With the WHOLE FAMILY standing around (parents and two host sisters 14 & 10yrs old), I had said………………

‘Should we give each other F#*k?‘

** Les Bises (kisses)

*** Le Baiser (very colloquial term for … the other thing)

When my 10 year old host sister clapped her hands across her mouth, my host mum went ‘oooh la la’ and my host dad just stared at me for what seemed like an eternity…. I realised I had again said something I probably shouldn’t have.

Oh no, not again!

I think my ‘not again’ face said it all after seeing the whole family’s reaction.

Eventually my host dad gave me a simple response. ‘Yes, you can give les bises’.

Knowing that this was clearly NOT what I intended to ask, he took me aside and in a very gentle and kind manner, and told me what I had just said.

Mortified! Just.….mortified.

What is this darn language?

What next?

How do I come back from this? And how do I get my completely beetroot coloured face, embarrassment rash and overall body temperature back to normal before the guests arrive? I can’t give them ‘les bises’ with a completely sweaty cheek now can I? Gross.

As Dory says… Just keep swimming

Despite these early, and rather large mistakes, it did not deter me from pushing on and wanting to learn more of the language, despite the humiliation that many other attempts sometimes brought.

The great thing was, everyone knew I was a foreigner just trying my best, and they were all really well-natured about all my stuff ups.

Most of them had a good laugh, would tap me a few times on the shoulder to settle my ‘Oh-My-God’ reactions whilst they no doubt went and had a good chuckle about it with everyone else.

In the end, I knew I would make mistakes and learned to laugh and just get on with it. It’s the only way you learn (very quickly) what is right and wrong and NEVER make the same mistake again.

Live and Learn

As kids you learn by listening and copying (like the times your kids come out with rather choice words at rather inappropriate times) and this is how I approached learning this language.

Fortunately, I have nothing but good memories of my early days of making many of these faux-pas with this beautiful language. It has given me these rather embarrassing stories to tell, but more importantly, it taught me that despite the constant mistakes I made at the start, persistence and encouragement went a long way to me becoming fluent, and still am to this day.

I still make (much smaller) mistakes when I speak, but I think it is an endearing reminder of the constant challenge of learning a language, and keeps the laughs and memories going with my friends and host families.

Travel is the still best, even when you don’t quite get it right.